If you want to make your own fail entertainment thread, be my guest. But DO NOT pollute my beloved thread with your subpar romantic comedy faggotry. This thread represents the best of the best of the best. This means you're not going to make it.
….Dr. LeDice, benjamin buttons is supposed to be rad.. maybe you're just too ADD to like it.. you liked transformers or some other lame movie i forget.
yeah TOO FUCKIN BAD NONE OF THAT WAS IN THE FUCKING MOVIE.Dr. LeDice wrote:Well, excuse me for enjoying watching robots who transform into cars blow stuff up in epic battles that will determine the fate of the world. Also, I didn't like the ending of Transformers because it felt rushed and not very epic. Fucking Megatron was such a pansy.
look, when i see a stuttering fuck delivering goofy cliched lines, my nuts hurt a little bit.. but i don't leave the theater yet..
..but when i see big fucking robots tiptoe-ing around a garden, trying to act cute and not killing anything, i get pissed off.. i want my fucking $ back.. which is exactly why i left at that point..
when you make a movie about robots, they should be killing EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING ON THE SCREEN. i wanna see bodies, decapitations, children burning in school buses, etc. ... i DON'T want to see robots slapping each other's asses with towels. that is not the way to use robots in a movie.
if you want to see robots in a movie, you gotta fucking watch ...umm....wtf is that movie called.... oh yeah.... TERMINATOR. i'm not talking about T2: How to Ruin A Franchise or T3: Rise of An Affirmative Action Bitch.. i'm talking about the first terminator where arnold is NOT A FUCKING FAIRY, and he is just shooting niggers up left and right.
if you wanna see how a robot should act in a movie, watch arnold shoot up the entire fucking dance club and even that dumb bitch who tries to run out the front door. THAT'S how a robot SHOULD act; he shouldn't be saying gay lines. he should be asking about "phase plasma rifles in 40 watt range." shooting a lot of different guns and punching holes in people whenever possible. check. check. and check.
ok i guess it's time to do what men do best and construct something great. i have now just invented the greatest entertainment thread of all time. i'm not sure if this thread will rate hookers by area and price or the best porn films ever... but this thread WILL address the shortage of entertainment for men. i will scour the known universe looking for the best masculine entertainment around.
* Terminator (see above)
* Karate Kid --look, if you don't like this film, i have some advice for you:
this movie will teach you how to love again.
* Family Guy --the most consistent ratio of funny to beatings i've ever seen. if you enjoy watching cartoons get hurt, you'll love this. plus a lot of stuff you could never get away with in a real life sitcom somehow gets past the censors on here.
* South Park --hard to say. i used to like it. but because of the increasing gayness of stan and kyle, this show sucks balls. but if you can erase these 2 fags from your mind and just concentrate on Butters, mr. maackey, cartman and mr. garrison, you'll enjoy what's left.
* Ninja Scroll --the ninja ogre picks a bitch up, turns her upside down and eats her cartoon pussy. also there's a lot of shurikens landing in people's heads and a lot of people being cut in half. as soon as this anime becomes a real movie, it should rank higher. this movie is so badass, sometimes you can watch it with a girl and forget to make out. great date movie.
* Zoolander --models accidentally getting burned in a play gasoline fight? check. model walk off? check. "don't you know i'm loco, ese?" check. magnum? CHECK.
* Predator --the original. people get fucked up by whoopie goldberg flying around in trees. one of the best gun scenes ever in this film where they mow down an entire forest because it pisses them off.
jesse the body ventura calling people "slack-jawed faggots" for not chewing tobacco? check.
billy cutting himself with a knife and then screaming like a faggot when the predator guts him? check. arnold and some negro arm wrestling in the air and arnold treating him like his bitch? check.
* Full Metal Jacket --if u haven't seen this yet, you need to get your head screwed on. best war movie. ever. best comedy. ever. best lines. ever. if you thought Platoon was hardcore, you've been reading too many Judy Blume novels and need a beating.
* Taladega Nights --"abracadabra holmes." enuf said.
* Blades of Glory --"chas michael michaels is skating. BOOM."
* Napoleon Dynamite --"it took me 3 hours to draw the shadow on your upper lip."
* Enter the Dragon --an easy way to get hit in the face with nunchucks is to volunteer to be an extra in this movie. the ending sucks because he just kicks some senior citizen wannabe boss onto a spear. but then again, what boss is not gonna die in about 5 seconds after fighting bruce. everybody loses. guys have to learn how to die slower around bruce.
* Return of the Dragon --you are a slow slug and bruce puts a salt shaker all over your punk ass. please enjoy the kicks to your face. ps. double nunchucks. yep, your balls are pwned.
* Aliens --"hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"... "no.... have you?" Hudson cries like a bitch then fucks up some aliens before being eaten. his crybaby performance gives me a hardon.
* Deep Blue Sea --just fastfoward to the sharks eating everybody, and press the mute button whenever you see LL Cool J. or that annoying wigger, michael rappaport..
* Master and Commander of the Far Side of the World --Russell Crowe saws off a little kid's arm. this kid has more balls than all of you put together. you need to learn how to take a cannonball to the nuts before you grow up.
* Good Fellas --DeNiro wants to know how you could be so fucking stupid. Pesci wants to why you're a stuttering fuck. And you better have a good answer.
* The Road Warrior --Mel Gibson smashes some hockey-mask-wearing mutant guy. warning: there are gay bikers. not my fault.
* Miller's Crossing --One of the greatest movies of all time. You are probably too dumb to appreciate how fucking rad this movie is. Just go watch a Disney movie and don't even bother.
* Rounders --Matt Damon, Ed Norton. Poker. you'll learn about life. and you'll learn why annoying dumb cunts almost always ruin good movies. just press mute whenever you see a blond cunt on the screen nagging matt damon and not getting backhanded with a lead pipe.
*The Departed --Aside from a dumb cunt trying her best to ruin the film, this is a motherfucker. Even her unpunched cunt antics can't derail the sheer beauty of marky mark and the funky bunch fucking up everyone one and everything in this film. "maybe. maybe not. maybe go fuck yourself." i'm pretty sure that's all i need to say about that.
* Master Killer Aka 36 Chambers of Shaolin --see some bald-headed fool train to beat people up. the training is the best part of the movie a la Full Metal Jacket.
* The Wrestler --This movie will break your heart. And every man needs a heart. This movie only needs to be seen once. Felt. And the destroyed forever. A poignant (my most hated and favorite word all in one) portrayal of the anchor known as pride that so many people delusionally assume holds their existence in place in rough waters, when in reality, it serves as a stone around their neck, dragging them down into oblivion.
a movie about a tribe of people whose pride was so great, it caused them to commit suicide.
a tragedy of humanity. a broken mess of our self-imposed, self-serving glory.
like a perennial nazi custom, pride forces everyone into the fire.... it won't allow you to change it... it keeps the systematic suffering going perpetually. pride makes you a slave. it robs you of your freedom to live. it forces you to kill yourself. it makes you a slave to it's self-imposed and socially-enforced strangulation.
watching it once, is enough.
*Reign of Fire-- Matthew McConnehey formally apologized for all his homosexual romantic comedies with this bald-headed tribute to looking like he could easily fuck your sister. during dinner. forget about him making out with Jennifer Lopez.. concentrate on his axe making out with your face as he flies through the air to let a dragon know that he doesn't own a pair of tight emo tight jeans or long black hair.
*Carlito's Way-- "heavy duty"
* Watchmen --This was a movie full of terrible conflicts for me. On one hand, this was possibly one of the greatest fucking movies I've ever seen. On the other hand, it was also the worst movie I've ever seen.
On the other hand, I was blazed during the entire movie, thus perverting or enhancing the entire experience, so neither conclusion is clear.
This is one of those one hit wonders; you can watch it one time, and then you're done. Watching it more than once causes shame and severe abdominal pain.
And yet, this is one of those movies I'll have to see again. And maybe (MAYBE) one more time. And then once more after that to appreciate all the succulent nuances permeating the entire film.
When a film opens and the photography is fucking stunning as fuck, I know something is going to happen to change the very ethos of cinematic history. This film was that.
It fucking... woke me up.
And I don't get woken up easily.
This fucking film had a few cunts get pwned. And I mean PWNED... And that's still the least of your appetite's romantic, vicarious, slaughtering indulgences.
There's time play.
Yes, there's Momento. And then there's time play. I've battled more coherent cat's cradle-strewn webs of time swimming upside down on acid in the middle of orange clouds on Mars-- the time roared. It fucking had it's hand up your dress the entire night. You were seeing double before double was invented. You were feeling the impact of in medis res before the greeks and the Greats even had a chance to unroll the yet-to-be-aroused parchment.
Fucking Time left the clock, said an eerie incantation in the form of slower than motion photography and brought itself to life in spite of its own difficult manners.
People and events often fight each other for a foothold in what we like to refer to as chronology. People want to mean something while events could care less about the recognition and more about the simple Medal of Accuracy; as a cause of laughter, they wish to be recorded and then go unregarded.
This is the charting of maps and the beginnings of patterns. This is wooing of destinies by the calloused, potent hands of circumstance, plain, without the perfume of sentiment.
This film paced itself, set its own course and let its pitiful 20 & 30-something crew believe it had come to see a common spectacle of mundane gladiators. And by the end of the film, no fresh green eye-shaped leaf could resist the silent tarnish brought about by the Pied Pipering voice of Autumn. We drifted together down the drain to the very end of time. And we were washed as we were washed away.
I... There were intrusive scenes of candy-coated affection. The rotting stench emanating from a sterile construction of middle class passion couldn't help but justify the eager budget concerns of those on land yelling to those at the helm, enough to put your nuts in harm's way... And "The Owl" could better be renamed "The Faggot"... These meteors alone destroy the earth underneath the nimble feet of this once-upon-a-midnight-blaze movie.
But see it once.. And then see it once more. And reel…. in the narrative. Soak....in the displacement of clocks, watches, and naive notions of recording what will stay in spite of your desire to hold it.
Is it any coincidence that the clocks moved forward on that unassuming day in March... You be the executioner. Let the jury close its eyes instead and shed duty like a youthful obligation from the reptile's back.
this list will be ongoing as i discover new content. you may submit entries for consideration. but you will get kicked in the nuts if they don't pass inspection.