Star Wars - the definitive review

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Star Wars - the definitive review

Post by Info » Tue Dec 22, 2015 4:57 pm

Holy shit this movie sucked unwiped asshole.

It felt like a big budget high school play including the horrible overacting from han solo's son. it was much worse with the helmet on in the beginning than when he took it off. it's hard to be impressed by a fag wearing a motorcycle helmet trying waaaaay too hard to sound hardcore and throwing angry tantrums so we're supposed to be frightened of his character? it came off more like a childish tantrum not godzilla getting mad so we better back the fuck up!

and the fucking battle-hardened teenager running the new death star? UTTER FUCKING RIDICULOUSNESS. when he screamed his lines trying to sound tough it came off like a bullied teen screaming at people to back up or he will seriously fuck them up. just cringeworthy.

and speaking of teenage actors, is this the new trend now? using 20-year-olds to represent battle-hardened warriors? are you fucking kidding me? i'm supposed to think the dude who could star as the after face in a Proactiv commercial is some seasoned veteran? i'm supposed to be intimidated by young kids shouting their lines in a harsh tone? you're motherfucking kidding me right? it's just as bad as dudes who play sports and yell "come on bro! fight me faggot!!!!" at the top of their lungs. people who know how to fuck people up aren't busy fighting them with their lung power and dramatic facial expressions. they just do it. temper tantrums equate to loss of control. that's why chicks scream and get dramatic and turn on the water works. they don't feel in control of the situation. we're only threatened by bad guys who know what the fuck they're doing, not bad guys who scream loud and get dramatic as a means of letting us know they're tough.

Side note: I feel like if a director doesn't know how to use CGI the right fucking way (for buildings, fires and background scenes) and abuses it like in this movie (what kind of faggot CGI monster was that tentacle mess chasing them thru the Millennium Falcan?) they should be executed so they can't infect the rest of Hollywood with their bullshit excuse for a movie. When you start subsituting CGI for actors and aliens and ship battles you're no longer creating a movie. You're creating a very expensive video game that everybody can tell is fake as fuck. The point of a movie is to escape, not to marvel at how good the CGI is getting. That's something video gamers do, not movie goers.

Back to this piece of garbage. I was hoping it was gonna be at least a decent movie. But after watching faggot cartoon trailer after faggot cartoon trailer after faggot cartoon trailer I started to panic thinking Disney LOVES retarded faggot low level 3 stooges hit me in the head or balls humor. Then the movie finally started and the opening anticipation was the best part. But the thing that stuck out to me the most was the shitty musical scores and fills. It looks like the guy in charge of the sound was just trying push a button and fill it with dramatic sound effects every now and then.

Go fucking watch the New Mad Max.. or hell even go watch the original star wars. THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING USE MUSIC TO CREATE A MOOD. The music sends chills thru your bones when it's loud and crisp and used to tell the motherfucking story, not just make you focus on single disjointed events. There's no fucking story cohesion when you just use dramatic music, then pause for a long period, then back to dramatic music fill, then pause again. It feels like unedited movie footage that accidentally got put in the movie before editor had time to really work it into tight crisp cuts that create a unified story.

First of all let's address one of the biggest problems with the movie--the shitty sound editing, it wasn't fucking loud enough. I knew that right after hearing the first few music fills. Shitty as fuck. There was not one scene I can remember where I thought, GREAT FUCKING MUSIC FILL I GOT THOSE STAR WARS CHILLS. No such luck. And from that point on I knew I was in a shitty expensive movie with a lot of expensive useless CGI bullshit.

CGI is so fucking distracting when they spend hours making a complex looking thing like that 18 foot tall emperor character and all I'm thinking is "why the fuck is that REAL actor talking to a fucking video game created image?"

After that bitch killed Han Solo's son (which is a fucking understatement to say it was anti-climatic--i didn't give a motherfuck what happened to him, that's how bad the story was) I started thinking about leaving.. and did about 5 mins later. Before it even ended. I had nothing I could think of to look forward to while watching it. I didn't give a fuck about that stupid bitch pretending to be a jedi. I didn't give a fuck about Han Solo's son. I didn't give a fuck about the overall story. And probably one of the most annoying things of all, I didn't give a fucking cocksucking dick punch about all the easter egg references to the old Star Wars.

Fuck. Me.

We get it. They're going to introduce OG Solo and OG Leia to give us that Star Wars nostalgia we were all beating off to in anticipation of the movie. And how did they reward us? By CONSTANT-FUCKING-LY making clever smug i'm so cool i made a slick reference to the last star wars movie but don't worry if you missed it i'll keep fucking doing it every fucking 5 mins. Remember when people used to say "does anyone else remember when..." Yeah. That got fucking annoying right quick. Now imagine you're paying money for someone to CONSTANTLY repeat that phrase in your ear for 3 hours. Congratulations! You've just experienced the entire plot.

edit: oh shit! almost forgot one of the main fails going on in this movie: that
nigger
afro-american Finn! holy fuck when he first appeared i was worried this was going to turn into a Medea skit with all his self-deferential "comedy" stylings and over-the-top acting in the beginning (granted he did tone down the bullshit a little bit, maybe the director caught on after a few takes of him doing his best Will Smith Independence Day impression). once i heard the first Disney-sponsored moralizing out of his mouth:

YO my nigga! why did you leave the empire?

"because ...it was the RIGHT thing to do." [insert deep profound Disney sigh here]

fuck you finn. you make me want to break the law not obey it. in fact i'm gonna go commit a bank robbery right now just because Disney probably doesn't approve of it.
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